It’s a terrible, anxiety-provoking feeling to wonder if you are running out of time, especially as a woman. Yes, women are more successful than ever, and getting married, having kids later in life than ever before, but somehow the older we get, the more that thought creeps in…at least, it did for me.
In my twenties, it felt like I had all the time in the world. Of course finding the right person will happen soon and, for now, I’m happy, having fun and focusing on my career.
The thirties were markedly different. After 30+ years of “failed” relationships, I was much more well-versed in disappointment and love ending than I was in knowing that the right guy was going to come my way. And for divorcees, starting over with dating in their 40s and 50s, that nagging question “have I missed my chance at the real true thing?” gets louder and louder with each disappointing date. Not to mention the fear of wasting time with the wrong person, or choosing the wrong one again. The truth is, these fears kill desire.
The more we doubt ourselves and our ability to find and recognize the right person for us, the further we trim our expectations for love, and tolerate less than we truly want. Often, it means a big question mark when we try to think about what is that we do want. That disconnection from what we desire is kryptonite to our feminine core, because desire is a vital component of our inner compass. It tells us when something is worth following or risking because it ignites a feeling in us that is a big YES!
Remember when life was a big Yes? When you knew what you wanted and what made you happy, and you did it without thinking? It was automatic. That is how life is meant to be lived – totally connected with what feels good and, consequently, what doesn’t, so that we avoid it. This is why I think kids live with such aliveness and exuberance: they live from desire and follow it, relentlessly. Pleasure is a lighthouse that calls to them, not some indulgence to feel guilty about or save for special occasions.
This is the key: that we find our way back to feeling good about desire and thinking about what we want. Fear can’t survive when we feel good. Notice the doubts (fear) and interrupt it – cut off the blood supply. Of course fear will pop up; that is human nature but we don’t have to feed it and follow it down the rabbit hole.
Instead find small ways to feed the desire, strengthen the relationship you have with your desires. Make friends with your desires for love and conspire with it to look for more and more evidence that you are, in fact, on the right track to love. You will definitely find more Yeses to follow, and the love can’t help but flow in. Plus its just way more fun.
In my world, we wouldn’t have desires that are not meant for us – that would be cruel and unusual! You desire love only if it is meant for you. So if you have a desire to be crazy in love with one of the thousands of ideal partners out there for you, then it is on its way and, on some level, they are already yours.
Reminds me of my fav Rumi quote, “Lovers don’t finally meet some day; they are in each other all along”.
Lead with desire, welcome it in and follow it.
Dating Expert and Relationship Coach Lesley Edwards is known for helping single women unleash their inner goddess to find the love of their life. Coauthor of Love & Coaching with Men are from Mars expert Dr. John Gray, Lesley is a top trainer for Mars Venus Coaching globally. Lesley is passionate about the kind of love that unlocks our greatest potential. Lesley’s mission is for women to know they are always supported and guided by wisdom and truth, greater than we can fathom. A conspiracy by the divine and their own feminine inner goddess to fulfill their deepest desires with ease.